I haven't really done anything really worthwhile in a while really. I'm never motivated to do anything. I care and i want to... But I'm just not motivated. I goggled it to figure out why I'm such a failure at life. Am i just lazy and stupid like some people think?
Is it because of my ADD? Maybe my dyslexia? Bipolar?
No one knows I'm failing high school besides my parents and my teachers. I can't tell my friends because I know with their straight A's and high expectations that they'll judge me even if they say they won't.
I remember as a child looking at life with an open mind. I remember my thoughts. I thought i would be pretty by age 16. I thought I'd easily pass through high school and get into college. I remember thinking i would have a boyfriend and be skinny. I thought I'd have a perfect life straight from the T.V shows and movies that showed me.
WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.
My life is far from the dreams i had as a child. Every time i look in the mirror I see a plain-Jane. My black flat hair would wrap itself around my chunky face. My brown eyes would look at my body up and down with disgust. I didn't grow up tall and blond. I didn't grow up into a size 0. No, I'm a size 14.
I'm seventeen years old and i still haven't had that magical first kiss i dreamed about. I haven't even had a guy take interest in me.
I have a 1.88 GPA and straight F's in a school full of straight A students. I probably won't even make it into college without the word "community" in front of it.
My life is in a downward spiral of no return.
I can't talk to my parents about it. Every time i bring up the subject of boys my mother would say, "Lose weight and exercise." I would try it, but it's the same with my school work. I'd see an improvement, but then i would miss one day of workouts or eat one fattening thing and my whole system would crash down. I'd look at myself in the mirror and cry. Who would want to date someone looking like me? A 5'8, 189 pound girl. I'd take a shower and fall down scratching the skin on my back, wanting to get the gross thing off of me. I'd cry silently so no one would hear me and ask questions. I'd throw up my last meal, but then give up on that too because it's too much work.
Every time i bring up grades one of them would say, "You go to summer school every year. It's your junior year now it's too late. We payed for you to go to private school and all you did was fail every class. You're not going to make it into college." They would go on and on calling me a failure, never giving me peace.
No, i can't talk to them about it. They would only bring me down more.
I turned to drugs once, but that didn't help either. That stop soon after it started.
So here i am. I'm a girl that's failing not only at school, but at losing weight, getting a boyfriend, getting into college, talking out her feelings, making a change, and actually living.
That's the sad reality of my life.
My name is Sarah Hilly. Everyone else sees me as just another girl in the halls, but after tonight they'll see me as the girl who overdosed on pills. After a week everyone will just not remember.
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